I stepped to home plate and took a deep breath. The aroma of leather, dirt and grass was in the air. A neon green softball headed toward me.

“You’ve got this,” I told myself. 

I gripped the bat, swung with all my might and connected. But inches away from first base, I was tagged out. Still, I was full of joy. It was April and softball season had arrived. 

Over the years, softball season, which runs through September, has come to mean more than just the start of a sports season. It is a time of laughs and exercise, and provides the chance to hit that ever-elusive home run. 

Thankfully, when the weather gets hot, we are allowed to purchase shorts from the commissary and wear them when playing. The softball field at my prison is situated so that the majority of the housing units can watch the games. There are also bleachers behind home plate where staff and other incarcerated folks often sit, watch and even cheer us on.  

Back when I was living in group homes as a kid, I played a lot of team sports: flag football, basketball, baseball, volleyball, soccer and softball. Sports have always been a favorite way for me to pass the time. I love running around a field, chasing a ball, being part of something. The friendships formed while playing team sports are an extra bonus. 

My love and joy for sports has been essential to enduring prison. Playing sports inside has helped me learn to accept constructive criticism, relieved my stress and made me interact with people whom I otherwise would not. Sports have also taught me how to work well with others, and that winning is not everything. 

While I have played many sports, softball is without a doubt my favorite. I like it because the sport is dominated by women at its highest levels. As a transgender woman and a feminist, I believe there are too many sports that are dominated by men.

All the sports in prison

When I first started serving my prison sentence, in 2014, I was shy and did not have any friends. I watched people play different sports, but I was too reserved to join.

It wasn’t until roughly two years into my sentence that I gained the courage to join a game of volleyball. Since then, I’ve learned how to play handball, pickleball and the flying disc game known as “ultimate.” Prior to my incarceration, I had no idea that prisons offered such a variety of sports. 

At two prisons in Missouri — Moberly and Southeast correctional centers — they even play mini golf. 

Playing sports has helped me combat the negative aspects of incarceration like being stuck in a cell all day, feeling lonely and having pent-up emotions.

Aggression at men’s prisons

While I do enjoy playing sports other than softball, many sports in men’s prisons can become extremely aggressive and competitive. For example, if you miss an opportunity to make a good play or score, people may insult you. And if people don’t think you are good, they may never pick you for their team.

There are also those men who, under no circumstances, would pick a trans woman to be on their team. Not being picked means sitting on the sidelines, watching other people play, asking myself why I even bother.

Thankfully, softball at my prison, Jefferson City Correctional Center, is a gentler game. It can still be competitive, but much less so than other sports. I believe that this is because there is less physical contact with other players. Softball teams are picked according to those who want to play rather than who is the best. No one is excluded. And after mistakes, jokes are made, but all in good fun. 

Growth through softball

Softball is also the only prison sport where I have seen the coaches, who are prison staff, give us tips on how to play the game. It is also the only sport that has a regular audience. 

My favorite part of softball is gripping the bat in anticipation of a pitch. During those moments, I  take the advice Adam Sandler gave to Drew Barrymore’s son in the movie “Blended,” and give pitchers “the stink eye.” This rattles them and helps me get a better pitch to hit. 

Playing this game for the last seven years has helped me overcome my shyness and negative self-talk. I think it is mainly due to how inclusive and understanding the other players are. Softball is not the answer to all of life’s problems, but it has helped me solve a few. And it definitely puts a smile on my face.