We will never get back the time we lost while incarcerated: the missed birthdays and holidays with family and friends, the lost opportunity to perfect a wheelie, the hours we missed with loved ones growing up or growing old. 

But time spent behind bars is not wasted. There is no better place than prison to learn how to survive a zombie apocalypse. 

Facing an urban wasteland teeming with the undead would be daunting for anyone. But if the zombies do ever take over, those of us who spent time inside will be ready. 

Here are a few of the zombie-proof skills prison can provide.

Finding food

Thanks to our time in prison, we know we will be able to subsist on any scraps we can find, as long as we can smother them in enough ranch dressing. Green bologna? Ranch to the rescue. Overcooked macaroni? Cover it in ranch until you’ve got pasta salad. If you stumble across a store that has not been completely picked over, grab some dehydrated refried beans. High in energy and fiber, beans will keep you going (in more ways than one). They’re also versatile and can make a quick snack inside a tortilla with a little onion and cheese, or on top of tortilla chips. Fast meals are best. During the zombie apocalypse, we have to stay on our toes.

Fashioning tools

Prison teaches us to make all kinds of tools from ordinary objects. During the zombie apocalypse, it will be imperative to know how to engineer something out of broken nothings left behind by others. A ruined hair clip can become a screwdriver. Twist ties can be a quick way to secure a shelter. In case of lacerations, bandages can be forged out of folded pads of toilet paper secured with adhesive tape, or even a shoelace or piece of yarn. (If the wound came from a zombie, though, these precautions won’t help. Get away from loved ones while you still can.)

Trade 

Everything has a value in prison. Whether you have a certain skill set like gardening or sewing, or possess material things like perfume, gum, cigarettes, a cellphone or warm clothes, someone else will want it. After the apocalypse, groups of survivors will inevitably band together — like they do in prison. We will need to figure out a way to effectively trade resources with other non-zombie settlements to increase our chances of survival. Avoid trading anything for cigarettes though. You’ll need your cardiovascular strength to run.

Bathing 

Running from zombies is a dirty business, and finding an actual shower may prove darn near impossible. The many lockdowns in prison taught us how to bathe with just a bar of soap, a washcloth, and a bucket of water. These are not pleasant memories, but they may come in handy. At least in the apocalypse you won’t have to worry about drying up the water you leave behind.

Hand-washing laundry 

Clean clothes are a must for the fashion-conscious apocalypse survivor. With washing machines broken down, finding a bit of clean water and a small sliver of soap will be enough to keep the threads in order. We all know a little bit of time and elbow grease are infinitely better than clothes smelling like the prison laundry. Remember, now you can hang your clothes outside to dry, instead of stretching them out over the end of your bed. Faithfully participating in this little ritual will ensure you can run from the zombies without fear of chafing — and other survivors will be able to tell you have not yet turned into the enemy. 

Patience 

When being chased by zombies, it is sometimes best to hunker down and wait until the coast is clear. Thanks to countless hours standing in line, we possess colossal patience. We wait to receive medication, wait for admittance to visitation, wait to be called to eat in the cafeteria, wait for a movement to be called so we can leave our housing unit for the library. The list goes on. We are masters at waiting. Our minds go blank. We hear whole albums in our heads that are not there, or imagine ourselves starring in our favorite TV show. Whether we need to shimmy up a tree or hide in a closet, we will be able to wait for hours. 

Controlling fear

In prison, fear can be a strange sort of companion. Fear makes us vigilant and keeps us safe. But being in a constant state of fear is exhausting. So we become adept at hiding most emotions from the crowd. You cannot let the sharks know you are afraid; they will attack you in your weakness. Some of us excel at this so well that we fail to acknowledge our fears until we get triggered and act out. The consequences can be catastrophic, both in prison, and in the face of zombies. So, controlling one’s fear is critical. Calm down. Find your center. Breathe.

Networking and trust

Making connections and allies will be essential in a post-apocalyptic environment. There is safety in numbers, but we must remain constantly aware of potential threats. Prison has taught us to keep our heads on a swivel, even when sitting around those we want to trust. Such hyper-awareness is a class A survival technique. Developing relationships with others in your sphere will hopefully enable you to get a moment or two of sleep amid the zombies.

Following a moral compass

A common misconception is that the incarcerated lack a moral compass, or at least a working one. But that has not been our experience. Even the most hardened among us have ethical lines that shall not be crossed. Leaders emerge who control the masses and allow for the smooth management of any carceral facility. If civilization is to outlast whatever caused zombies to rise in the first place, we must all embrace our better selves.