I was in county jail when my worst nightmare came true – my older brother Xavier died in a car accident. It hurts me that I was not able to say my last goodbyes or mourn with my family, so I wrote this poem.
I’m so sad I’m so sad losing the only brother I ever had
I’m so mad I’m so mad couldn’t say my last goodbye when they put you to rest in your grave
I’m so sad I’m so sad
I’m trying to picture my cup half full
Telling myself everything’s gonna be fine
But deep down inside I know it ain’t true
Cuz I miss you
I’m stuck in this cell with my thoughts
Reminiscing on all the bullshit we went through
When shit hits hit the fan and I had problems
You’re the one I always ran to
I’m enraged that I’m stuck in this cage
My love and respect for you will never fade
I’m so sad I’m so sad, I’m so mad I’m so mad
There ain’t a day that goes by that I don’t think
About you and all the bullshit that we went through
I’m trying to push you to the back of my mind
Cuz when I think of you I feel like crying
There ain’t no denying or point in lying
Staying positive and strong I promise I’m trying
But thought I let you know when you passed
Away you took a piece of me with you
I lose a friend a brother and a father figure
Frustrated losing you while I was incarcerated
I cannot take it, man I hate it, no I hate me
I feel so angry with myself I’m feelin shameful
Is this a nightmare please somebody wake me
Ain’t been myself lately questioning God why
Couldn’t he spare my brother and instead take me
Why did I have to be in jail when you passed away
It drives me crazy
I’m heated, I’m fuckin’ blazing
Suicide I’m contemplating
Love or die, I’m debating
So much anger inside sometimes
I break down and cry
All we had was you and I, so pissed so young
You had to die
I’m so sad I’m so sad losing the only brother I ever had
I’m so mad I’m so mad couldn’t say my last goodbye when they put you to rest in your grave
I’m so sad I’m so sad
Republish this article
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
Here are our ground rules:
- You must credit Prison Journalism Project. In the byline, we prefer “[Author Name], Prison Journalism Project.” At the top of the text of your story, please include a line that says: “This story was originally published by Prison Journalism Project” and include a link to the article.
- No republishing of photographs, illustrations or graphics without specific permission. Please contact inquiries@prisonjournalismproject.org.
- No editing the content, including the headline, except to reflect changes in time, location and editorial style. For example, changing, “today” to “last week,” or San Quentin to San Quentin, California. You can also make minor revisions for style or headline size, and you can trim stories for space. You must also retain all original hyperlinks, including links to the Prison Journalism Project newsletters.
- No translation of our stories into another language without specific permission. Please contact inquiries@prisonjournalismproject.org.
- No selling ads against our stories, but you can publish it on a page with ads that you’ve already sold.
- No reselling or syndicating our stories, including on platforms or apps like Apple News or Google News. You also can’t republish our work automatically or all at once. Please select them individually.
- No scraping our website or using our stories to populate websites designed to improve search rankings or gain revenue from network-based advertisements.
- Any site our stories appear on must have a prominent and effective way to contact you.
- If we send you a request to remove our story, you must do so immediately.
- If you share republished stories on social media, please tag Prison Journalism Project. We have official accounts on Twitter (@prisonjourn), Facebook (@prisonjournalism), Instagram (@prisonjournalism) and Linked In.
- Let us know when you share the story. Send us a note, so we can keep track.