Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash

I was in county jail when my worst nightmare came true – my older brother Xavier died in a car accident. It hurts me that I was not able to say my last goodbyes or mourn with my family, so I wrote this poem. 

I’m so sad I’m so sad losing the only brother I ever had
I’m so mad I’m so mad couldn’t say my last goodbye when they put you to rest in your grave
I’m so sad I’m so sad
I’m trying to picture my cup half full
Telling myself everything’s gonna be fine
But deep down inside I know it ain’t true
Cuz I miss you
I’m stuck in this cell with my thoughts
Reminiscing on all the bullshit we went through
When shit hits hit the fan and I had problems
You’re the one I always ran to
I’m enraged that I’m stuck in this cage
My love and respect for you will never fade
I’m so sad I’m so sad, I’m so mad I’m so mad
There ain’t a day that goes by that I don’t think
About you and all the bullshit that we went through
I’m trying to push you to the back of my mind
Cuz when I think of you I feel like crying
There ain’t no denying or point in lying
Staying positive and strong I promise I’m trying
But thought I let you know when you passed
Away you took a piece of me with you
I lose a friend a brother and a father figure
Frustrated losing you while I was incarcerated
I cannot take it, man I hate it, no I hate me
I feel so angry with myself I’m feelin shameful
Is this a nightmare please somebody wake me
Ain’t been myself lately questioning God why
Couldn’t he spare my brother and instead take me
Why did I have to be in jail when you passed away
It drives me crazy
I’m heated, I’m fuckin’ blazing
Suicide I’m contemplating
Love or die, I’m debating
So much anger inside sometimes
I break down and cry
All we had was you and I, so pissed so young
You had to die
I’m so sad I’m so sad losing the only brother I ever had
I’m so mad I’m so mad couldn’t say my last goodbye when they put you to rest in your grave
I’m so sad I’m so sad

 
Disclaimer: The views in this article are those of the author. The Prison Journalism Project has verified the writer’s identity and basic facts such as the names of institutions mentioned. The work is lightly edited but has not been otherwise fact-checked.

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Abel Arizmendi Jr.

Abel Arizmendi Jr. is a poet incarcerated at California Correctional Institution in Tehachapi.