Addiction is a dynamic in which nothing can ever seem like enough. I keep consuming so damn much, it’s like trying to fill an insatiable, ghost-like void inside me. I now understand when people say “it can never happen to me” or “I would never stoop that low.” That’s because I found myself swimming deeper and deeper into that river of denial as my addiction got worse.
Where did my magic cloak of protection go when I needed it most? Drug addiction does not discriminate nor does it stereotype. Addiction is the event of my demise, the darkest chapter of my once very bright and beautiful life. It is the chapter I am now writing an ending to, never to be looked upon again.
Temptation will always be lurking in the shadows and recovery is my bright light. At one point, drugs influenced every facet of my life: spoons/needles and syringes became the symbol of my existence. Self-indulgence and carelessness became normal characteristics for me. Year after year passed me by. I lost myself until I became a person I no longer knew nor recognized.
I was slowly coming to the realization that I could do nothing to help myself overcome the power that drugs had over me. I had nothing left in my mind, body, and soul to fight my constant obsession to use. The vicious cycle of addiction along with my over-compulsive thoughts to use was pure insanity. In fact, my life was the definition of insanity in every way. I did the same things over and over again but expecting different results each time.
I tried several different things to disguise my selfish toxic ways. But always with the same end result. Self-sabotage. I had come to the realization that I myself was my own worst enemy. I was willing to settle for any kind of justification for my narcissistic ways of life. But instead of searching endlessly for makeshift justifications, I chose to fully surrender myself, then came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
I am powerless over drugs, but for once in my life, I feel jubilant. In May 2020, I was diagnosed with the COVID-19. This came in addition to battling my 15-year addiction to opioids behind these walls. During this incarceration, after overcoming the COVID-19, I have now decided to live a clean and sober life free from opiates. Every day is a struggle for me to maintain my sobriety.
But I am now ready to live life on life’s terms instead of my own. Now that I am no longer running from my emotions, I can start on my path down the road to sobriety. Getting reacquainted with the real me feels restorative. I have now discovered a peaceful plan for my life that runs deeper than that dark place I’ve been stuck in. No more ball and chain to hold me down.
Republish our articles for free, online or in print, under a Creative Commons license.
Republish this article
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
Here are our ground rules:
- You must credit Prison Journalism Project. In the byline, we prefer “[Author Name], Prison Journalism Project.” At the top of the text of your story, please include a line that says: “This story was originally published by Prison Journalism Project” and include a link to the article.
- No republishing of photographs, illustrations or graphics without specific permission. Please contact inquiries@prisonjournalismproject.org.
- No editing the content, including the headline, except to reflect changes in time, location and editorial style. For example, changing, “today” to “last week,” or San Quentin to San Quentin, California. You can also make minor revisions for style or headline size, and you can trim stories for space. You must also retain all original hyperlinks, including links to the Prison Journalism Project newsletters.
- No translation of our stories into another language without specific permission. Please contact inquiries@prisonjournalismproject.org.
- No selling ads against our stories, but you can publish it on a page with ads that you’ve already sold.
- No reselling or syndicating our stories, including on platforms or apps like Apple News or Google News. You also can’t republish our work automatically or all at once. Please select them individually.
- No scraping our website or using our stories to populate websites designed to improve search rankings or gain revenue from network-based advertisements.
- Any site our stories appear on must have a prominent and effective way to contact you.
- If we send you a request to remove our story, you must do so immediately.
- If you share republished stories on social media, please tag Prison Journalism Project. We have official accounts on Twitter (@prisonjourn), Facebook (@prisonjournalism), Instagram (@prisonjournalism) and Linked In.
- Let us know when you share the story. Send us a note, so we can keep track.
My Ball and Chain
