Sitting in a cell at Stateville Correctional Center’s B-House, me and my cellie were just chilling out watching TV when a Pizza Hut commercial came on.

My cellie blurted out, “Man, Big Homie! I ain’t had a pizza in over a decade. Damn, I got to get out of prison.”

I said, “Yeah, I feel you, but you know we can make a pizza in here ourselves, right?”

He responded, “Yeah, right, with what?” I told him we could make one with stuff out of the inmate commissary.

“You trippin’ Big Homie,” he said.

“Let’s see how much I’m trippin’ when we sitting up in here eating a pizza tonight,” I told him.

Our first step was just like at a pizza place on the street. We made a nice dough for our pizza crust using crackers for the dough.

“We just have to break them down and use water to get it to gel, stick together. But we gonna need a plastic bag to knead the dough and a roll-on deodorant to roll it out with,” I explained.

“Check me out, Big Homie? I got both of them,” my cellie said.

As he watched me make the dough, he told me it looked like real pizza dough.

“Now what kind of pizza do you want to make? What kind? Chicken, beef, sausage or whatever we want,” I offered.

“I feel you but, where the sauce at?”

“Bro, we got ketchup and BBQ sauce. I got us.”

“Damn. Big Homie, you did this before?”

“Nope, but if we get it right, we gonna do it many more times again. Okay, let’s lace him up then,” I said.

“OK. Chicken, beef and sausage with cheese. Man, that joint is looking good. How we gonna cut it, Big Homie?”

“Cut it? We got to cook it first.”

I showed him how to use our property box as a jailhouse oven.

Two hours later, we were eating pizza.

“Damn Big Homie, this tastes just like a real pizza,” my cellie remarked.

“That’s because it is, Bro,” I said.

“You know, I ain’t had no real lobster in my whole life.”

“Yeah, well, you on your own with that one there, Bro,” I responded as we both broke out in tears laughing.

Ingredients

1 box saltines
1 graham cracker
1 onion
1 garlic
1 shredded chicken
2 summer sausages
1 shredded beef
mayonnaise
1 slice of cheese
BBQ sauce
Ketchup