Being a parent can amplify the struggle of living in prison. In-person visits and phone calls are the primary ways incarcerated people keep in touch with loved ones. But that setup isn’t easy.
Many prisons are not close to urban centers, where most people live. Trips to see an incarcerated loved one can mean taking time off work and spending money on travel. Phone calls and video visits — while easier to coordinate — can also be costly.
This got us wondering: How do parents raise children from behind bars? And what is the impact of a prison-separated relationship?
We asked incarcerated mothers and fathers at five prisons in Michigan, Ohio and Wisconsin about parenting from prison. To do this the three of us — we are connected through various prison programs — created a questionnaire and interviewed people at our respective institutions in Ohio and Michigan. The questionnaires were all mailed back to Christopher Monihan, who compiled the interviews with the parents and submitted them to PJP.
Their remarks have been edited for length and clarity.
HOLLIE LOCKE, OHIO
Hollie Locke was incarcerated at the Ohio Reformatory for Women. She is a mother of one and had been incarcerated for 12 months when this interview took place. She has since been released.
Q: What is it like for you to parent from prison, and what are some of the things you worry about?
Locke: It’s hard to parent from prison. I worry my son will not listen to what I say because of where I am and the poor choices I’ve made in the past.
Q: What is one way that you parent from prison?
Locke: My son and I go over spelling words, math problems, and he reads to me over the phone. I always encourage him to do his best.
Q: How do you feel being incarcerated and away from your children?
Locke: I feel lost, upset, angry with myself. I try to keep a positive attitude. I utilize my time in groups and programs to better myself and I talk to my son daily.
Q: What is it like to visit your children in the prison visiting room?
Locke: I’ve never had a visit with my son or my parents. My parents don’t want to expose my son to seeing me in prison.
JESSICA LEASE, MICHIGAN
Jessica Lease is incarcerated at Women’s Huron Valley Correctional Facility. She has two sons and has been incarcerated for three years.
Q: What is it like for you to parent from prison, and what are some of the things you worry about?
Lease: It’s nearly impossible. I feel like a failure not being able to be the mother my kids deserve. I’ve missed my children’s first communions, birthdays, award ceremonies, sporting events and so much more. I worry most about their mental and emotional health. As a therapist myself, I know the impact having a parent in prison can have on a child.
Q: What is one way that you parent from prison?
Lease: They read to me on visits, and my oldest son plays his clarinet for me on video visits. I make sure to ask them questions about their lives, discussing events going on, school and friends.
Q: How do you feel being incarcerated and away from your two sons?
Lease: Not being with my children every day is the worst pain I’ve ever felt. I cope through prayer and by talking to some positive women that I can always talk to and cry with if need be. There’s absolutely no help from the prison.
Q: What is it like to visit your children in the prison visiting room?
Lease: When my boys first started to visit, I cried during and after the visits. I felt like they were leaving me all over again, having to say goodbye. As time has gone on I’m not as emotional. I’m still upset when they leave, but I don’t cry as long.
Q: Do you feel that video visits take away from the visiting experience as opposed to in-person?
Lease: There’s pros and cons. With video visits my boys can show me things from home — art projects, new toys, homework, and can even open presents I sent them in front of me. They can’t do that on in-person visits.
ROBERT MEEK JR., OHIO
Robert Meek Jr. is incarcerated at Madison Correctional Institution. He is a father of two and has been Incarcerated for three years.
Q: What is it like for you to parent from prison, and what are some of the things you worry about?
Meek: It’s not at all easy. I worry about their grades and how they are coping with their dad being away.
Q: What is one way that you parent from prison?
Meek: I regularly talk to my children. For example, my youngest is having trouble in math and I spend time on the phone helping him.
Q: What is it like to visit your children in the prison visiting room?
Meek: I actually just got to see my oldest recently and it was awesome! The visiting room has plenty of games and we took photos. There were vending machines so we were able to eat together.
BRANDY DEPEW, OHIO
Brandy Depew is incarcerated at Dayton Correctional Institution. She is a mother of three and has been incarcerated for eight years.
Q: What is it like for you to parent from prison, and what are some of the things you worry about?
Depew: For me, it’s hard due to not being able to speak to them. I worry about new things they’re going through, their grades.
Q: What is one way that you parent from prison?
Depew: I journal to them and tell them about life lessons that may come their way.
Q: How do you feel being incarcerated and away from your son and daughter?
Depew: I miss my children. I miss watching them grow and can’t be there for them. I cope by listening to music and writing in their journals.
JENNIFER FENDRYK, WISCONSIN
Jennifer Fendryk is incarcerated at Taycheedah Correctional Institution. She has a son and has been incarcerated for nine years.
Q: What is it like for you to parent from prison, and what are some of the things you worry about?
Fendryk: It’s not easy. I worry if my son has someone to talk to about his problems. Does he know how much I love and miss him? Is he OK where he is living? There’s so much to worry about.
Q: What is one way that you parent from prison?
Fendryk: We talk about the big issues in the news. I encourage him to talk to me about everything and anything, even the bad things.
Q: How do you feel being incarcerated and away from your son?
Fendryk: It is the worst feeling ever. I cope by focusing on my son. He is what gets me through.
Q: What is it like to visit your children in the prison visiting room?
Fendryk: It’s emotional. We always get pictures taken; and there are snack machines but they seldom work. We have board games, cards and coloring pages.
Q: Does your prison offer special visitation event(s) for children of incarcerated parents?
Fendryk: They offer Camp Reunite for children up to age 18. It’s only for children of incarcerated parents, and for two days of the camp they are brought to the prison to do activities with their parents.
JUSTIN ABNER, WISCONSIN
Justin Abner is incarcerated at Madison Correctional Institution. He is a father of one and has been incarcerated for almost seven years.
Q: How do you feel being incarcerated and away from your children?
Abner: I’m currently struggling to cope. I think about my children and the possibility that I may still have five more years. I cope by focusing on artistic outlets and the here and now.
Q: Are your visits in person, by video or both?
Abner: They’ve been both, but more recently by video. My wife must travel 4 1/2 hours round trip to visit in person. On a video visit it’s easier to say goodbye.
LATOYA LEE, OHIO
Latoya Lee is incarcerated at the Ohio Reformatory for Women. She is a mother of four and has been Incarcerated for five years.
Q: What is it like for you to parent from prison, and what are some of the things you worry about?
Lee: I worry sometimes, but I decided not to take life so seriously. Me and my children have fun and make the best of life.
Q: What is one way that you parent from prison?
Lee: Me and my children do homework time, reading time, and talk about anything that they feel they want to. We also write letters.
Q: How do you feel being incarcerated and away from your children?
Lee: I thought I was that rock. It hurts that I ended up here. I let my pen speak for me, even when I’m afraid of what it might say.
Q: What is it like to visit your children in the prison visiting room?
Lee: Visits are hard. I’ve only had one in five years and the tears wouldn’t stop. There’s toys, books, a TV area and outside playground area. But no matter what, that will never be enough.
Q: Are your visits in person, by video or both?
Lee: My children live 17 hours away. I’ve only had one video and one in-person visit. The video visit turned out not to be as easy either because money is involved.
Q: Do you feel that video visits take away from the visiting experience as opposed to in-person?
Lee: Everyone would rather have a hug versus a video visit, right?
CRYSTAL BURKE, OHIO
Crystal Burke is incarcerated at the Ohio Reformatory for Women. She is a mother of three and has been Incarcerated for 15 months.
Q: What is it like for you to parent from prison, and what are some of the things you worry about?
Burke: It’s not difficult to parent because of the age of my children. I worry that they will have mental issues like depression and about not being there for milestones in their lives.
Q: What is one way that you parent from prison?
Burke: I ask them daily about their lives: How was school? How was your day? And ask them if they have anything they want to talk about. I give them advice, constructive criticism and words of encouragement.
Q: How do you feel being incarcerated and away from your children?
Burke: I’m a single parent of three kids and it breaks my heart that I am away from my children. I’ve missed my son’s wedding, my oldest daughter’s graduation, and I’m missing my youngest daughter’s transitional years. We communicate daily by text or phone calls, and they keep me updated on everything.
Q: What is it like to visit your children in the prison visiting room?
Burke: I haven’t had a visit yet.