“What did you say?”
“Who you talking to?”
These words will put any prisoner on alert, as they are usually a precursor to someone getting punched in the face — only to find out later that the cause was a trivial misunderstanding.
“Miscommunication leads to complication” — to quote Lauryn Hill from her song “Lost Ones” — rings true in prison and in the free world.
But in prison, communication becomes doubly important as we are constantly dealing with fellow incarcerated people who have high levels of stress and who may be struggling. Plus, we have friends and family who have to jump through hoops just to have the chance to communicate with us.
I never dwelled on the importance of evaluating and improving my own communication skills, until prison.
Here, dealing with cellies is almost always a fragile endeavor. Ineffective communication can bring heavy consequences, like vindictiveness or even violence. Better skill sets would also help incarcerated people communicate with those in the free world; loved ones often end up the unintended targets of our frustrations.
By no means do I consider myself an expert, but I am dedicated to becoming a better and more successful person. For me, this means cultivating healthy relationships and fostering pleasant interactions, which require the ability to communicate effectively with others.
For the past five years, I have observed, researched and experimented with different strategies. My intention is to shed light on automatic reactions that occur in the recesses of our minds. Here is a checklist for anyone wanting to bring awareness to their communication:
- Be respectful. This includes maintaining reasonable eye contact, keeping an arm’s length away and watching your tone. Remember: to respect someone else is to respect yourself. You must master your own emotions and not be reactive. Before engaging in a conversation, think about what it is you are trying to achieve.
- Mind your timing. Is it an appropriate time to bring up your issue? Do a quick read of the other person’s mood, because you need them to be receptive if you are to be effective. It’s not the best tactic to interrupt someone who’s doing something demanding or force a serious topic when the mood is light and playful.
- Listen. Give the other person the opportunity to respond without interrupting or belittling them. Hear them and process what they say, because only then will you know the best way to move forward. Sometimes we find that we are not really listening because we are thinking of our rebuttal or of a moment that has come and gone. To show that you are actively listening, ask questions and summarize their point back to them. This puts you in a better position for them to be receptive to your message.
- Strive for clarity. Speak confidently and clearly. Make sure that the terms and definitions being used are understood. More than once, I witnessed arguments continue because of a difference in syntax, or because the words used by one party represent something completely different to the other party than what was intended.
- Control. Keep your emotions in check. By doing this, either you will be able to keep the conversation calm if the other person gets going, or you will have enough wherewithal to end it. From there, you can decide if it is worth trying again later with a different approach, or if you should let it go. Sometimes, dropping it is the best option, allowing you to focus your energy elsewhere.
This is my overview based on personal study and experience. To go further, here are a few more things that have worked for me.
I read a wide span of books about communication, including business books that hit topics like negotiation, core human values, working with yourself or others, and analyzing systems. I also recommend finding scientific sources that deal with psychology, neuro-linguistic programming and other social sciences.
As a visual artist, I research body language, poses, postures and facial expressions. I learned much about how nonverbal communication is often more revealing than what is actually being said.
Your words have power. My words have power. And with practice, we can hone our communication skills to the level Lauryn Hill could write a ballad about.