Before I got my court case, my sister was 4 years old. Now she’s a 20-year-old college student. It’s been tough fostering a relationship with her from prison.
Throughout the years, I would write her letters, trying to offer life advice, but I’m not sure whether she ever received them.
Now I call her two or three times a week, at the cost of 6 cents per minute. I constantly feel frustrated trying to talk with her, and the conversations are often stilted. I missed her entire childhood, so I feel like I don’t know her. And the truth is, I have no idea if she knows me either. I haven’t seen her since May 2019.
During our phone calls, I have tried to ask about TV shows. We both like “The Vampire Diaries” and “Hart of Dixie,” two series I’ve watched recently in prison. But we can’t really discuss them since she says she saw them a long time ago. Meanwhile, I can’t discuss with her the shows she’s currently watching — “Bridgerton” and “Squid Game” — since I don’t have Netflix.
My sister has told me she meshes perfectly with her roommate, whom she’s lived with for two years. I’m happy about that. But from what I can tell, she doesn’t seem to interact with many other people. I’ve asked about her neighbors, and she’s told me she doesn’t even say hello to them.
I’m not one to talk. I also tend not to greet my neighbors. I feel like people around me just want to bring me down instead of help me become a better person.
When I’m on the phone with her, I feel like I’m constantly straddling a tenuous line. I don’t want to annoy her and risk her never answering the phone again. So I try not to ask too many questions. I don’t want to make her feel like I’m interrogating her.
Recently, she mentioned that she doesn’t interact with our sister and her husband. I felt the urge to press her on this, but I didn’t. I also haven’t spoken to our sister since I came to prison.
I feel bad that I’ve missed so much of my sister’s life — and missed out on teaching her all kinds of things. She told me she doesn’t have a driver’s license. I would’ve gladly taught her how to drive.
I try to sprinkle in life advice from time to time. But I get the feeling she doesn’t like to be taught life skills. I recall one time when she told me she doesn’t like visiting a relative since they keep telling her “life stories.”
I guess I’m so cautious because I don’t want to overdo it. It would hurt me if she said: “You should’ve been out here with me and given me advice as I grew up.”
She would be right. My poor decisions resulted in me being separated from her.
In the end, no matter how forced the conversations sometimes are, we always sign off with an “I love you.” One time I almost forgot, but she didn’t. It moved me to hear her say it first.
